I’ve always been a very reactive person. I don’t necessarily mean to be. I guess it’s been a coping mechanism to try and deal with my CP.
What I mean by this is that I constantly judge people. I’m reacting to the situation that I’ve been presented. Both internally through thought & externally through conversations with other friends, family & work colleagues. ‘The guy with CP’, judges people based on their appearance.
I guess fundamentally the victim has become the bully.
Is this why bullying is such an epidemic?
I’m ashamed that I judge those closest to me.
(I’m finding it quite hard to maintain this honest style of writing. I need to push through my own perceived embarrassment that only I feel. I guess I have a choice whether I really need to label it that way. The analogy – “If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?” – comes to mind.
Wow, does that mean confidence really is a reflection of your own perception?)
I don’t know which came first though, the chicken or the egg. Did I set out to judge other people or did it begin by judging myself?
Does that matter though?
Now I don’t know whether this is because of my deep seeded, ingrained insecurity that I use this ‘technique’ to try and make me feel better about myself. I now see that this is a very short sighted solution. By either focusing on my insecurities, or other people’s insecurities, it puts me instantly in a negative state of mind. It’s quite a violent cycle.
It’s my responsibility.
The way I’m attempting to fix this is through a few ways:
- If I’ve had an issue with someone, I’m talking to them and instantly framing the conversation in an honest setting, apologising if I’ve haven’t given them the time they deserved. I can’t judge someone based on intelligence because I’ve been lucky with my biology!
- Stop putting myself down because I’ve got CP. This is the hand I’ve been dealt (pun not intended).Everyone has been dealt some issue. Nobody is perfect (I’ve never really appreciated this truism before).
What is achieved by feeling sorry for myself?
On the same line, what is achieved by gloating or talking about how great I am at this and that?
I’ve had no choice in how my genetics have been brought together.
If I really want to live a happy and more fulfilled life, I have to put in the effort to have a more positive outlook on life, I’ve got to stop reacting to situations and take responsibility for my own actions.